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Last week I shared with you all about what it was like for me to come out or be outed, I should say, at the church I had been attending. I shared with you the stares that I received from people who I called "Family" and how I attended "Self-confrontation" classes to "confront" my gayness.
I also began talking a bit about my move to Pennsylvania. We will get more into that today, for sure.
However, I'd like to briefly discuss something about church and homosexuality. As I listened back to last week's episode, preparing for today's, I felt as though I left things on a difficult note regarding the intersection of homosexuality and Christianity. And honestly, after sharing what I went through, one might say that I was justified... I mean, it's my experience, right? Yes. But, that's not who I am today, and it might not even be who that church is today. I have no idea. I don't attend that church anymore, obviously. How would I know if they've changed? All I can hope for it that God has shown them how He loves all his creation, no matter their orientation. It's apparent that the entire experience is still hard on my heart; otherwise, why would I have left it like such. Maybe that's something I should start looking at again.
The Christian church has its problems, yes, but I can say that my experience with it today is vastly different than it has ever been. Today I am part of a church in Hollywood called Ecclesia and have never felt so loved and supported for the person I am, just as I am. But more of that to come in the next coming weeks. I simply thought it'd be nice for me to circle back around and make note that I am a believer, still. Some churches just miss the mark, and others, like Ecclesia, are much closer to the mission of Jesus than others.
Okay, let's get back to the story of Me.
Here I am, in York County, PA. In the city of Dover. I'm talking cornfields and, small-town USA. What the hell was my mom thinking? I knew NO ONE! Well, my cousin, Vincent, and his family were already living there, but STILL. Really PA? Okay, deep breath, I can do this. First things first, find a job. If it was 2019, I'm sure my first action would have been more like, First things first, pull out iPhone, open up Grindr. But I digress.
I ended up landing at a job at a local steak house called, Texas Road House as a "Busboy". Long story short, I lasted there I believe the most 2 weeks before I simply could not deal anymore. Again, here I am, in a place of utter uncomfortably. I can just tell that I stick out like a sore thumb. I just wasn't vibing.
Meanwhile, in my off time, I can remember going to a few local bars with my cousin and his friends. It wasn't so bad, but I don't know; it just wasn't my thing. Honestly, I don't even know how we got in, I wasn't even 21 yet. Even at 33 years old, I don't go out and party. Partly due to the fact that I am so damn busy, but hey, aren't we all?
And to make matters worse, I knew not one other gay person. Not one! It was like I was starting all over. The guy I first slept with and fell hard for a few years prior was back in Maryland, and traveling there just was too much. My friends who I would go parting with, in DC and Baltimore, simply fell victim to, out of sight, out of mind. It was all just a sad and lonely time of my life.
I knew that I needed to change my current reality. I couldn't stay here. My older brother, Phil, and his wife Vicky were living in Florida at the time, why don't I go live with them? So I went to my mom and asked her what she thought about it? She said, "Talk to Phil, and if he says 'Yes,' then you can go." And that's what I did and what he said.
I believe a week or two went by before once again; all my belongings were packed into my 2005 VW Jetta, and I was embarking on the 16-hour drive to Sarasota, Florida. Here is where I as a young gay "Twink," started to thrive, or so what I thought was thriving.
But before we leave the Maryland/Pennsylvania territories, I'd like to share with you all the story of my first time with a man.
So let's backtrack. His name was, we will call him, Travis. I was 18 at the time and using craigslist.com for all the wrong reasons! If you know, then you know. I'm certainly not giving any more explanation on that one. One night I meet a guy, Travis, via the site. I head over to his house in Glen Burnie, MD. Cute little neighborhood in a single-family home. He was I believe between 22-24 at the time. He met me outside in my car and told me that we had to be very quiet because his parents were at home in bed.
Lord, so many triggers! Okay, moving on. We get to his room, and I can remember feeling just so envious of his space. He was like an adult! So much stuff and so put together. The intense attraction was inevitable. We talked for a little before doing anything, just all small talk getting to know each other, I guess? I mean, maybe there was some sort of natural connection? Who knows. However, we never ended up doing anything more than me giving his oral sex. I don't remember anything more of that night, other than getting home and knowing that I wanted to be his boyfriend.
As you know, from what I shared about my life already, that didn't happen. This was the beginning of about a friendship/sexual relationship of me giving myself away at his beck and call. It was unhealthy, and I was taken great advantage of. This is a pattern that would continue until my late 20's. Travis was the man who I would go on to have anal sex with for the first time. I'm going on record to say, the first time was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Painful yet, blissful all at the same time. So weird, life... you are weird. But don't get worried boys, Travis simply must have had no idea, or didn't care about what or how he was doing it, because it gets oh so much better. Just educate yourself first! Please, for the sanity for your butthole... educated yourself, your partner, and YOU TAKE THE LEAD! Hey, all you tops out there, the bottom is in control, not you! Again, an entirely different episode for an entirely different time.
Let's end things there. Next week I will share more about mine and Travis sorta relationship and continue on as I move to Florida and meet my first-ever boyfriend!
Till then, thanks for listening. I would love to know what you think about this segment of the show in the comments on iTunes or on social media. Thanks again to everyone who has already told me how much you love it. That means so much to me.
Enjoy the rest of your week, you'll hear from us on Friday for FKF. Until then, be sure to keep loving one another!
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