Today we pick back up, on this journey of mine with me telling you a more about my first ever sorta real relationship with a man. Well, for me, at least it was real. The joy, excitement, fantasy, sadness, pain, and sorrow all were as real as they could get. I was a young, not even 20-year-old boy at the time, who thought he found the love of his life. Lord, was I wrong.
As I mentioned in last week's episode, Travis (who's name isn't really Travis) and I met via the website, craigslist.com. The first day that we met, we had sex (which was also the first time I ever had anal sex with anyone). If you would like to hear more about that, I implore you to go listen to last week's episode "Me. #3". Okay, moving on...
I think it's safe to say that just about everyone, no matter their sexual orientation or gender identity falls hard for the first person that they have sex with. And that's what happened to me. Looking back, it is clear that Travis and I had two very different agendas.
See, he was so hot and cold. One day he wanted me over for a hot piece of ass, and the next, he would act like he didn't even know me, or more like, I was a bother to him. Meanwhile, here I am, all nieve just wanting to get married and run off into the sunset. I think the power dynamic in age was a major factor in all this.
The friendship/relationship continued into something where I knew what to expect. When Travis called, I would go running. Why, because I was "in love." Kids, this isn't, love. This is a childhood infatuation. I am not saying that the things I was feeling at the time were not valid and did not feel real, because they were, and did. But it wasn't at all, love.
Love is feeling completely and utterly supported. It's feeling valued and respected. Love is when you know that you can show up as you are to a relationship, and your partner encourages you to be just that, and even wants more of that from you. Love is in the moments of difficulty when things get hard, and you're not shamed for your feelings, but embraced for having feelings and living in the honesty of them. Love is peaceful. It is looking into someone's eyes when you speak to them, desiring their intimacy. Love is, unknowing - yet willing. Love is unconditional.
What I had with Travis was not... love.
He and I would start to spend more time together. We went from spending time only in his house to random outings, sometimes stopping by his work for coffee (he worked at Starbucks). Ew... is this some unconscious reason for my infatuation with Starbucks? Yeah, another thing I need to look at. Maryland isn't all that amazing when you're that age, but then again, where, in America, is. We would go shopping at Target or out to lunch, simple things. There was a time when we were driving in his car, he had a Saturn Vue (kids the company went under, oh the foreshadowing imagery).
I finally got the nerve to hold his hand. It probably took everything in me. Remember, at this point, I'm really nothing more than a side piece. But the fact that we were hanging out in public more started to make me feel like maybe he was actually into me? So we are sitting there, he is driving, I'm in the passenger seat, and I reach over to grab his hand, and when mine touches his, he pulls away and says, "Kevin, no." I was so embarrassed. But I did what I did so well. I stayed small and said, "Okay," and went on like it didn't bother me. But it did. His constant toying with my heart, pulling me in, and pushing me away really was breaking me inside. But, little Kevin, he just wanted to be loved. All he wanted was to feel love. So I put a smile back on my face and went about the day together.
Here is where things take a major turn for Travis and me. One day I get a call from him asking me if I wanted to go to an old military fort that is in Baltimore. It's no longer used, but it a historical land that people go and visit. You can't grow up in Maryland (one of the first 13 colonies) and not be a patriot. Of course, I said yes and headed over to his house. We jump in his car and head out for the day. Something was so different. Like really different. Travis was warmer, kinder, all around, more interested in me. On the way there, he grabbed and held my hand. WHAT! Wait a minute, what is happening? The man whom I have been drooling over and fucking for how many months now; was actually holding my hand; as we are on our way out to cute day adventure? OMG, I can finally die now... but not really cause I want more.
Okay, so we get there right. We park and start walking around, looking at the ruins and etc. Actually, it was pretty cool, old cannons, and jail cells. It was something out of a history book. Then literally, the best moment of my entire life up until this point happens. And any LGBTQ person will most likely agree with me. We decide to sit down on this small hill out in the open. Its a beautiful summer day in Maryland to which made it all so much better. I sit down, and Travis comes up from behind me and sort gets on his knees and then wraps his arms around me, just holding me. Holy shit... every fiber of my body is going crazy. For the first time in my life, I am living in my truth OUT IN PUBLIC. And I didn't care who saw. All that matter was that moment of pure bliss. Then, he gets up and says, "Let's go." Boom, that was it. It was all over. From there, I believe we stopped at McDonald's and got lunch, and honestly, I don't remember the rest of the day. This was the last time I remember being intimate with Travis.
Travis got cold again. Calls were not as frequent, and I do think that as that behavior surfaced again, I got tired of the back and forth. I have to be honest, I am not really the type of person that lets things go. Well, at 33, I am much more willing to now in life, but at that time, not so much. Maybe it was just life letting me know things with Travis, and I was over. It was then that things with my church were falling apart and that I end up moving to Pennsylvania. As I mentioned before, being me being in PA and him being in MD was just too much to maintain. So, we feel apart, and I didn't hear from him again until I contacted him in my mid-twenties.
And that's it for this week. Next week, I'll pick back up in Florida. A place where I was finally a 100% out gay man living on his own, doing whatever he wanted. Sound fun, right? Well, don't be fooled. I was young. And dumb. To be continued.